Depression is hitting bad today. Self-loathing is hitting bad. Fear of what is happening in the news. It's all bad today.
Sunday, July 6, 2025
Tuesday, April 1, 2025
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Words as Weapons
It's amazing how wonderful words that make me glow one day can be totally twisted by my depression the next. On the bad days, compliments can be like knives in my gut. Tell me I'm smart, & all I can focus on is how little I've done with my life & what a disappointment I must be. Tell me I'm pretty, & all I see are my flaws & how alone I feel. Tell me I'm creative, & I remember all the things I've wanted to make but didn't, or tried to make & messed up. Tell me I'm kind, & I think of every time I've been selfish, & of how much more I should be doing for others. It's so difficult to accept kind words as they were intended, to let them lift me up, & not turn them into weapons with which to beat myself down.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Tired
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being me.
But I'm also tired of being told that I should be OTHER than me. Tired of being told that I could be so pretty, if only...
If only I wore makeup, dyed/curled/grew out my hair, lost/gained some weight, wore heels or a dress or tighter clothes...
I'm tired of the expectation of perfection and the reality that falls so short.
And what happens when the mask comes off? When they see that I have dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles, the random gray hair, and a less-than-perky body? That I'm human?
I could give you a list. A list of everything that's "wrong" with my body. It would take you days to read. And it wouldn't even begin to compare to the list I could give you on everything that's wrong with me. The depression, anxiety, bad habits, obsessions, neuroses...
I'm just so tired of all the insecurities.
And I'm tired of not knowing what it is that I really want. Of floating without purpose or direction in an endless sea of fear and indecision. When you're a kid, and you get lost, they tell you to stay where you are until someone finds you. When you're grown up, though, sometimes you have to save yourself. The hardest part is knowing which to do. Should I stay close to the wreck of my life in hopes that salvation will come my way, or pick a random direction & pray it leads back to civilization rather than farther out into the void? "Swim or float... but where to go?" Where to go?
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being me.
But I'm also tired of being told that I should be OTHER than me. Tired of being told that I could be so pretty, if only...
If only I wore makeup, dyed/curled/grew out my hair, lost/gained some weight, wore heels or a dress or tighter clothes...
I'm tired of the expectation of perfection and the reality that falls so short.
And what happens when the mask comes off? When they see that I have dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles, the random gray hair, and a less-than-perky body? That I'm human?
I could give you a list. A list of everything that's "wrong" with my body. It would take you days to read. And it wouldn't even begin to compare to the list I could give you on everything that's wrong with me. The depression, anxiety, bad habits, obsessions, neuroses...
I'm just so tired of all the insecurities.
And I'm tired of not knowing what it is that I really want. Of floating without purpose or direction in an endless sea of fear and indecision. When you're a kid, and you get lost, they tell you to stay where you are until someone finds you. When you're grown up, though, sometimes you have to save yourself. The hardest part is knowing which to do. Should I stay close to the wreck of my life in hopes that salvation will come my way, or pick a random direction & pray it leads back to civilization rather than farther out into the void? "Swim or float... but where to go?" Where to go?
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Empty Space
(I wrote this a while back, while my laptop was out of service as I waited for my new power cord to arrive.)
Watching a movie.
Their walls - empty - so much empty space.
I look around and my walls are covered with pictures, posters... not one wall left unbroken and empty.
Am I afraid of emptiness?
My house is cluttered, packed with knick knacks, memorabilia, collectibles, junk.
I fill my hours, too. Afraid to think.
My computer is dead & I'm lost.
So much empty space, empty time.
Every moment, I want to look something up, type something, play a game, order something, talk to someone.
I am alone & haunted by the breathing space.
Watching a movie.
Their walls - empty - so much empty space.
I look around and my walls are covered with pictures, posters... not one wall left unbroken and empty.
Am I afraid of emptiness?
My house is cluttered, packed with knick knacks, memorabilia, collectibles, junk.
I fill my hours, too. Afraid to think.
My computer is dead & I'm lost.
So much empty space, empty time.
Every moment, I want to look something up, type something, play a game, order something, talk to someone.
I am alone & haunted by the breathing space.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Managing
OK, I'm going to tell you something that I had to figure out for myself. Something that has really helped me cope with my chronic severe depression. Something that should be a no-brainer, but for so many people, it's not. Depression is like ANY OTHER CHRONIC ILLNESS. I'm not talking about those temporary periods of sadness that everyone gets, that are caused by a loss or other traumatic event in life. I'm talking about clinical depression. It is a chronic disease. It's not caused by things in your life not being the way you want them to be, it's physical, and while you can't cure it, you can manage it.
So, think of it like any other chronic disease, something like asthma or arthritis... You may be able to find meds that help, you may not. You'll have your good days, when you wake up & you feel great, you make it through the day without any problems, getting everything done easily, & you actually manage to enjoy your activities. Other days, things will be a bit more of a struggle. Things that others would find easy to accomplish, may be a bit more of a chore for you. There's a constant ache that you have to deal with that makes everything just a little harder and puts a bit of a damper on how much you can enjoy things. But you manage & you make the best of it. Then, there are days when everything hurts so much that even the tiniest, easiest things seem impossible: getting out of bed, buttoning your shirt, making yourself breakfast. This is made worse, because you feel like you should be able to do all these things. They should be easy, right? "Why can everyone else manage & I can't?"
I'll tell you why. Because, like anyone else who happens to be in the middle of a severe arthritis inflammation, an asthma attack, a migraine, a bout of dysmenorrhea that leaves them doubled on the bathroom floor... YOU. ARE. IN. PAIN. You're suffering, you're not weak. The point is, like with all those other diseases, this bout will pass. You can make it through. All you have to do is stick it out, and you'll find yourself reaching a point where it's endurable again, where it's manageable again, where you hardly notice, & even hit those days again when you don't feel the pain at all. "But it'll happen again, won't it?" you ask. Yes, just like the migraine-sufferer & the asthmatic, you're going to have to be on the look-out for other attacks, & if one happens, you're going to have to endure it, and it might hurt like hell, and it might feel like you're dying, like you can't breathe & it hurts to move, & you might wonder if you can survive it, but you can, & you will. Eventually, the asthma attack will ease, the swelling will go down, the migraine will fade, the cramps will subside, and the depression will lighten. Just hang in there.
So, in the meantime, what you can do is try to manage your disease. What's that mean? Well, some of it's common sense. One, try to keep your body & brain balanced by eating healthy food, drinking lots of water, exercising, getting enough sleep, sunlight, fresh air, etc. Two, watch out for environmental factors that may cause or exacerbate your condition. Certain activities, environments, even foods can cause shifts in your brain chemistry that might trigger or encourage a depressed state. Three, develop coping mechanisms. When you feel an attack coming on, try going for a run, drinking some herbal tea, writing down 5 things that you are thankful for right at that moment, reciting Shakespeare while standing on your head... Whatever. Find your own methods, but make sure you're looking for things that really help counter the depression, not just mask it momentarily or give you a fleeting "high." Gorging yourself on donuts might make you feel better for a moment, but the sugar crash & guilt will only give you a bigger drop later.
Basically, keep a close eye on your moods, & note what activities, actions, foods, environments make you feel healthier & happier in the long term, & what things make you feel worse, so that ultimately you can try to limit or avoid attacks in the future, or at the very least, mitigate them, so that they're easier to endure. Remember, you're managing a disease, & it's a process that may require some lifestyle changes. But most of all, remember when you are going through a really bad bout with depression: It is just an attack. It will pass. And you CAN make it through.
So, think of it like any other chronic disease, something like asthma or arthritis... You may be able to find meds that help, you may not. You'll have your good days, when you wake up & you feel great, you make it through the day without any problems, getting everything done easily, & you actually manage to enjoy your activities. Other days, things will be a bit more of a struggle. Things that others would find easy to accomplish, may be a bit more of a chore for you. There's a constant ache that you have to deal with that makes everything just a little harder and puts a bit of a damper on how much you can enjoy things. But you manage & you make the best of it. Then, there are days when everything hurts so much that even the tiniest, easiest things seem impossible: getting out of bed, buttoning your shirt, making yourself breakfast. This is made worse, because you feel like you should be able to do all these things. They should be easy, right? "Why can everyone else manage & I can't?"
I'll tell you why. Because, like anyone else who happens to be in the middle of a severe arthritis inflammation, an asthma attack, a migraine, a bout of dysmenorrhea that leaves them doubled on the bathroom floor... YOU. ARE. IN. PAIN. You're suffering, you're not weak. The point is, like with all those other diseases, this bout will pass. You can make it through. All you have to do is stick it out, and you'll find yourself reaching a point where it's endurable again, where it's manageable again, where you hardly notice, & even hit those days again when you don't feel the pain at all. "But it'll happen again, won't it?" you ask. Yes, just like the migraine-sufferer & the asthmatic, you're going to have to be on the look-out for other attacks, & if one happens, you're going to have to endure it, and it might hurt like hell, and it might feel like you're dying, like you can't breathe & it hurts to move, & you might wonder if you can survive it, but you can, & you will. Eventually, the asthma attack will ease, the swelling will go down, the migraine will fade, the cramps will subside, and the depression will lighten. Just hang in there.
So, in the meantime, what you can do is try to manage your disease. What's that mean? Well, some of it's common sense. One, try to keep your body & brain balanced by eating healthy food, drinking lots of water, exercising, getting enough sleep, sunlight, fresh air, etc. Two, watch out for environmental factors that may cause or exacerbate your condition. Certain activities, environments, even foods can cause shifts in your brain chemistry that might trigger or encourage a depressed state. Three, develop coping mechanisms. When you feel an attack coming on, try going for a run, drinking some herbal tea, writing down 5 things that you are thankful for right at that moment, reciting Shakespeare while standing on your head... Whatever. Find your own methods, but make sure you're looking for things that really help counter the depression, not just mask it momentarily or give you a fleeting "high." Gorging yourself on donuts might make you feel better for a moment, but the sugar crash & guilt will only give you a bigger drop later.
Basically, keep a close eye on your moods, & note what activities, actions, foods, environments make you feel healthier & happier in the long term, & what things make you feel worse, so that ultimately you can try to limit or avoid attacks in the future, or at the very least, mitigate them, so that they're easier to endure. Remember, you're managing a disease, & it's a process that may require some lifestyle changes. But most of all, remember when you are going through a really bad bout with depression: It is just an attack. It will pass. And you CAN make it through.
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