Tired

I'm tired.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being me.

But I'm also tired of being told that I should be OTHER than me. Tired of being told that I could be so pretty, if only...
If only I wore makeup, dyed/curled/grew out my hair, lost/gained some weight, wore heels or a dress or tighter clothes...
I'm tired of the expectation of perfection and the reality that falls so short.
And what happens when the mask comes off? When they see that I have dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles, the random gray hair, and a less-than-perky body? That I'm human?
I could give you a list. A list of everything that's "wrong" with my body. It would take you days to read. And it wouldn't even begin to compare to the list I could give you on everything that's wrong with me. The depression, anxiety, bad habits, obsessions, neuroses...

I'm just so tired of all the insecurities.

And I'm tired of not knowing what it is that I really want. Of floating without purpose or direction in an endless sea of fear and indecision. When you're a kid, and you get lost, they tell you to stay where you are until someone finds you. When you're grown up, though, sometimes you have to save yourself. The hardest part is knowing which to do. Should I stay close to the wreck of my life in hopes that salvation will come my way, or pick a random direction & pray it leads back to civilization rather than farther out into the void? "Swim or float... but where to go?" Where to go?