Going Crazy

I'm having one of those days where I just feel like I'm going freaking INSANE, and I just want to get out of the house. I want to go somewhere, do something, almost anything, because I'm going nuts trapped here in this house with just me and my mind.

Going crazy. Get me out. Get me out.

I just want to run & run, to run as fast and far as I can, as if I could escape the madness in my head.

I want to go somewhere with music so loud that I can't hear my own thoughts anymore.

I want to drown in smoke and booze and other people's bodies until I can't feel, can't remember anything else.

I want to scream, and shoot things, and punch, and cry, until all the pain is out.

I want to burn. Fire, like a blessing, burning everything out.

And there is nothing. And I sit here, going quietly insane. Again. Again. Another night, another empty pointless moment. Sitting. Waiting.

A Vicious Cycle

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food sometimes when I'm depressed. I either eat tons of junk, because who the hell cares about health, or I eat nothing, because why bother. I'm going through one of the latter phases at the moment. I just don't want to eat. I don't want to do much of anything except just lie there staring at the ceiling, which is just as well, because I've gotten to the point when I get dizzy when I stand up. I'm not completely starving myself. I had a burrito yesterday, and a lettuce/tomato wrap today. However, it does seem like so much trouble to keep feeding myself. I also provided myself with quite a lot of fruit juice last night, in the form of most of a bottle of wine. That didn't really help.

I started taking St. John's Wort regularly almost a month ago. I feel worse. I don't know if it's the Wort backfiring, or if something else has just gone awry. I've been having these fantasies all the time. Fantasies of being in a relationship, talking to this imaginary person all the time. And it makes me sad. It emphasizes how lonely I am, I think, rather than relieving the loneliness. So weird that I can go years without being bothered by my lack of dating, but then seem to snap in an instant. I'm angry, too. And frustrated. And bored. And I've been having dreams. The first few nights on the St. John's Wort, I had these wonderfully vivid dreams, but lately, they're all bad... violent & disturbing. Again, I don't know if the Wort is to blame, or if it's just my life screaming in my head.

I have to say, I'm feeling particularly self-violent today. Even more than the starving myself, & drinking to excess, I've been feeling urges for great self-destruction. I want to cut myself, hit myself, get into fights, stand on the roof & dare myself to jump. And the more I feel this way, the more I hate myself. It's a vicious cycle. My self-hatred leads to thoughts of self-violence, my thoughts of self-violence disgust me, leading to further self-hatred, and on and on and on, until I am sure that there is nothing of worth here. Nothing that anyone could ever possibly love, least of all myself. It makes sense that I don't date, don't have friends, don't have a job. Who would want me around?

edit: It wasn't the St. John's Wort giving me nightmares. It was the valerian that I had also started taking. It's a common side effect with valerian, so I can't ever take it in the evenings. I'm not taking the St. John's Wort regularly anymore, either. I take it the way I'd take ibuprofen, occasionally, as needed for a flare-up.