Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Words as Weapons
It's amazing how wonderful words that make me glow one day can be totally twisted by my depression the next. On the bad days, compliments can be like knives in my gut. Tell me I'm smart, & all I can focus on is how little I've done with my life & what a disappointment I must be. Tell me I'm pretty, & all I see are my flaws & how alone I feel. Tell me I'm creative, & I remember all the things I've wanted to make but didn't, or tried to make & messed up. Tell me I'm kind, & I think of every time I've been selfish, & of how much more I should be doing for others. It's so difficult to accept kind words as they were intended, to let them lift me up, & not turn them into weapons with which to beat myself down.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Tired
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being me.
But I'm also tired of being told that I should be OTHER than me. Tired of being told that I could be so pretty, if only...
If only I wore makeup, dyed/curled/grew out my hair, lost/gained some weight, wore heels or a dress or tighter clothes...
I'm tired of the expectation of perfection and the reality that falls so short.
And what happens when the mask comes off? When they see that I have dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles, the random gray hair, and a less-than-perky body? That I'm human?
I could give you a list. A list of everything that's "wrong" with my body. It would take you days to read. And it wouldn't even begin to compare to the list I could give you on everything that's wrong with me. The depression, anxiety, bad habits, obsessions, neuroses...
I'm just so tired of all the insecurities.
And I'm tired of not knowing what it is that I really want. Of floating without purpose or direction in an endless sea of fear and indecision. When you're a kid, and you get lost, they tell you to stay where you are until someone finds you. When you're grown up, though, sometimes you have to save yourself. The hardest part is knowing which to do. Should I stay close to the wreck of my life in hopes that salvation will come my way, or pick a random direction & pray it leads back to civilization rather than farther out into the void? "Swim or float... but where to go?" Where to go?
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being me.
But I'm also tired of being told that I should be OTHER than me. Tired of being told that I could be so pretty, if only...
If only I wore makeup, dyed/curled/grew out my hair, lost/gained some weight, wore heels or a dress or tighter clothes...
I'm tired of the expectation of perfection and the reality that falls so short.
And what happens when the mask comes off? When they see that I have dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles, the random gray hair, and a less-than-perky body? That I'm human?
I could give you a list. A list of everything that's "wrong" with my body. It would take you days to read. And it wouldn't even begin to compare to the list I could give you on everything that's wrong with me. The depression, anxiety, bad habits, obsessions, neuroses...
I'm just so tired of all the insecurities.
And I'm tired of not knowing what it is that I really want. Of floating without purpose or direction in an endless sea of fear and indecision. When you're a kid, and you get lost, they tell you to stay where you are until someone finds you. When you're grown up, though, sometimes you have to save yourself. The hardest part is knowing which to do. Should I stay close to the wreck of my life in hopes that salvation will come my way, or pick a random direction & pray it leads back to civilization rather than farther out into the void? "Swim or float... but where to go?" Where to go?
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