Building the Wall

(Originally written Spring 1998)

…And so we build the wall, like a dam desperately built to hold back the flood that threatens to pour out.
Hap hazardously. Requiring endless energy to hold the wall of anger in place, fighting back the sorrow with every breath.
No energy for anything else. Purely survival.
While the water stagnates behind it.
Knowing it won’t hold forever. Why do I try?
Knowing it will burst through some day, a torrential flood of pain & anger, causing such havoc in its wake.
Is it really so much easier this way?
The tiniest crack in the defenses & it begins to trickle,
and then pour.
So, we seal the cracks with our own blood & tissue, thoughts, cares, hopes. Emptying self of self until all there is, is this wall of rage & the terrifying pain behind it, a patchwork mask of indifference, bulging at the seams, draining all else to sustain itself.