Judgment

I had a dream once when I was in high school. I was floating over my room & there was a long line of items floating in front of me. At the end of the line at the far side of the room was Death, sitting behind a desk. I reached out, & in the weird, warped law of physics in dreams, I managed to grab the edge of the desk & pulled myself up to it. I stood there, or floated there, rather, & stared at Death, waiting for something to happen, but he just sat staring back at me. Finally, I asked, "Don't I get anything for challenging Death?" "No," he said, gesturing behind me, " because you ignored all the other challenges."

I've made reference to this dream before in my bloggings, when I speak of being judged for failing to take on the challenges in my life, by hiding away in my house. It's something that haunts me. I feel like I am being watched & judged & found wanting. I wonder, is it enough to just not seek death before my time, to accept that I must live this crappy life out to the end, or is more required? Do I actually need to be pushing myself to seek out challenges? What is expected of me? What should I be doing? Could I ever be enough? Do enough?