Originally posted 21 Mar, 2008.
My therapist was surprised when I expressed feelings of shame about my depression. He asked why I should think it reflects badly on me to be depressed, and asserted that I would not feel the same way if I had cancer or some other "physical" disease. The thing is, people don't usually tell cancer patients, "Just get over it," "Why do you have to be in pain all the time?" or "Your nausea & hair-loss are too much for me to deal with. Don't talk to me again until your cancer's gone." If a person mentions that they're having to take half a dozen medications to try to treat leukemia, someone might feel bad for them ("wow, that's too bad. That sucks.") If you mention that you're taking half a dozen medications trying to treat depression, it's "wow, they're really f***ed up! Maybe I should stop talking to this person." Speak out about how you're dealing with being a parapalegic, & people will be supportive & inspired. Speak up about your depression, & people get embarrassed for you & wonder why you'd want to put that information out there like that. Or you end up gettting complaints that "you're bringing everyone down. Nobody wants to hear about that." The world expects us to keep a positive attitude all the time, & when your sickness is an inability to see the light... well that's just a failing. So, add another log to the fire of self-doubt & self-loathing, because that's one more way in which we're failures.
To most people, our problems are only a product of weakness, lack of self-discipline, or just plain selfishness (don't we know our unhappiness bothers other people?). I've been snapped at by family members & dumped by friends because I wouldn't just "snap out of it." As if it's a choice we make. Someone stood before us with two boxes that said "happy life" & "misery," & we all said, " You know what? I think I'll take the misery. That looks like fun."
All I know is, no matter how hard I am for others to put up with, it's nothing compared to what it's like for me having to live inside my head 24/7. I can't get up & walk away. It's the kind of pain you'd do anything to stop, but for many people it's just not real because it's not physical. I'd rather have physical pain. that can usually be treated with some Advil. Just pop a couple pills, & 30 minutes later, it's gone. It's going on 32 years now, & Im still waiting for my depression to let up. There've been many times when I cut myself or otherwise injured myself, because the physical pain is just so much easier to face than the emotional. People drink, get high, become sex addicts, or take part in other dangerous behaviors in attempts to escape pain, but while a person who did it to escape a debilitating illness would be seen as acting out of desperation ("how sad that he had to resort to that to ease his pain"), a person trying to escape depression would be seen as weak-willed instead ("He was such a screw-up, couldn't get his life together, so he turned to the bottle").
Gosh, with all this good-will & support, I can't imagine why I'd be under the impression that it's a personal failing. In conclusion, I'd just like to say that there's nothing like knowing that your family & friends are standing behind you -- muttering about what a burden you are -- to help lighten your depression. And don't forget, if you just keep a positive attitude, that broken leg will go away all by itself.
**Note: Many of these posts were written immediately after "therapy" sessions. I almost always left more upset than when I arrived. I often thought of therapy as cracking open a septic tank -- you shine a light into the darkest & most disturbing part of yourself & all kinds of shit comes pouring out. Do I really think that those with cancer or chronic pain have it easier? No, not really. It just sometimes feels that way. The worst pain is always the one that you, yourself, are actually suffering.
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