Hell

Originally posted 12 Mar, 2008.

No Exit. What is the point of trying? I know I am a coward, curled in a ball, huddling away from the challenges in my life. Death waits at the end & mocks me with my failure... failure to try... failure to face life. He watches, & I disappoint. What will my Hell be like? Can it be worse than this? Is this Hell already? "Hell is other people," wrote Sartre. And yet, Hell is being alone as well, without love, without comfort. It is an emptiness where I create people in my thoughts. And even in the plays that act out in my mind, the people turn against me, I turn against myself. Hell is my mind. I am terrified of facing life, yes. But I know I will fail all challenges thrown my way. I am a weakling, a failure, a waste. By not acting I doom only myself... to whatever fate awaits cowards like me. Were I to act, others may be hurt as well. And still, I know I would fail anyway. So why try? That path laid out before me stretches on with its silent judge at the end, waiting... but why enter a race you know you will lose? Why take a position you know you are unequipped to fill? I know now why the Buddhists see Heaven as Nirvana, nothingness. It is myself that I wish to escape. To fade away, to cease, "tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." I live a life of constant frustration... when I act, I fail... when I do not act, I fail as well. Already, I am well & truly damned.