Sex, Love & Relationships

Originally posted 22 Mar, 2008.

I admit it -- I'm sexually frustrated. I think about sex quite a lot & it's all very frustrating. But this is not really about sex. This is about something missing. There's this empty space in my life where I feel like something should be. I can't help but poke at it, like the space left by a missing tooth. I keep thinking something should be there, but it's not a something; it's a someone. Someone who cares about me. I feel like there should be someone there. Someone to hold & touch... & okay, all the other stuff, too. But it's not just sex that's lacking, it's love, companionship, trust, belonging... the whole package, really.

The really messed up part, is that I feel bad for feeling this way. Whenever it occurs to me that maybe I should look for love, I get angry at myself. I shouldn't look for love. That shouldn't be a focus in my life -- it's not that important, & I'd be wasting energy that I could be spending on other things. It's okay if I stumble across love in my pursuit of the meaningful things in life, but it's not allowed to be a goal in itself.

So why do I feel this way? I suppose I'm something of an anti-romantic. I don't believe in love at first sight. I tend to mock romantic movies for their completely unrealistic & unattainable portrayals of love. I believe that it's wrong to define yourself as part of a couple. Who you are should not be affected by who you're with. I believe in pursuing a fulfilling career, healthy home life & strong sense of values. These things are important & worth pursuing, but for me, "home life" doesn't include anyone else. I've driven it into my head that needing someone else there, anyone else, means there's something wrong with you. After all, why should your happiness be dependent on others in any way. The ultimate existentialist.

I hear it said that man is a social animal, & needs that interaction to thrive, & I wonder... I work so hard at not needing anyone else, that I barely interact with others at all. I try to think back to the last time I've had even casual physical contact with others, & it's been so long that I can't remember. When I stop & think about it, I believe the only time I allow physical contact (outside of a doctor's or dentist's office) is at holidays when I visit family. A brief hug is allowed on arrival & departure. And that's it. I tend to pull away quickly, because in a way, it feels like something I miss. And I feel bad for that, too. How incredibly needy to want a hug now & then.

So, maybe I do need others. Maybe I want my life to be tangled up with the lives of others. Am I wrong for that? Am I overly needy & dependent? At what point does a supposedly normal human requirement for companionship & belonging become desperate neediness, & when does the desire to be strong & independent become dysfunctional avoidance? I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.