Worthless

Originally posted 2 Apr, 2008.

You know what? Therapy sucks. It's bullshit. You get doped up on meds that just cover some of the physical symptoms & do nothing to address the problem. Then you get some know-it-all head-shrink who just asks you how you feel about shit. Obviously I feel anxious & unhappy; that's why I'm here! The big bullshit, though, is that they make out like they're your friend almost, like they care about how you feel & what happens to you. They don't care. They're not your friend. They're just someone who's paid to act like they give a damn. They can't really help you with your problems because only you can fix you. Or maybe these problems can't be fixed at all. But they tell you they can help... though it'll take years... maybe your whole life. Because that's what a frustrated, depressed person needs, is a large financial drain. So, I tell my shrink-person that I'm gonna come off the meds & such, & he's all surprised. But I'm sorry, I am not going to pay who knows how much money to have some stranger prod the painful bits of my life & then ask me how I feel about it! I feel like shit! Got any solutions? No? How surprising.

The really bad part, though, is that it's my fault. I started to fall for it. I started to think, here's someone who gives a damn, or can help. I hoped. It's the ultimate sin, hope... when you think maybe things'll get better. And then they don't. And it's my fault. Because you are the architect of your own life. Everything that happens is something you either make happen, or let happen. Damn disturbing thing to believe that you make your own life, cause then you're responsible. For everything. Lost my job - my fault. Homeless - my fault. No friends - my fault. Hell, even that sexual assault I suffered in college - my fault. Argue with me. Argue that it's not. You can't. It's my fault, all of it. So, we just get what we deserve. Maybe I don't deserve to feel better. So, I'm a fuck-up & can't do anything right. That's the real problem - I'm a bad person, who makes bad choices - a failure. So be it. I am a failure. Gotta stop caring, stop hoping that I can make it right. Cuz I can't.