Hopeless

Originally posted in Spring 2008.

Some time ago, in high school or college, I remember someone asking me where I saw myself in 10 years time. My answer was rather bleak. I said I saw myself working some crap job I didn't care about, & living in some crap apartment all by myself, until one day I'd blow my brains out with the gun that I'd keep in the bedside table. It's 10-15 years later now, & I'm still alive, but my view of my future has not changed. It is still hopeless, empty. No matter how long I live, I know that I'll end up with a pointless life, & a meaningless death. I see only loneliness, misery & failure - no joy, no understanding. Just look away, for there is nothing of worth here.

I know I am selfish for not seeing how much better I have it than some others do, or rather, for not feeling it. I feel like there should just be a switch inside that I can throw & suddenly I'll see the good everywhere instead of the bad. I feel like that's what I'm being told: that it's a choice to just be happy. I swear I'm trying, but I just can't find the switch. I'm sorry. Sorry I'm so worthless, useless, a waste of oxygen. I shouldn't be here, should never have been here. I'll forever be just a useless whiny waste - good for nothing & no one. Nobody sees. Nobody understands. They think I can be saved. They think I am a beautiful stretch of land that just got a bit junked up. They don't see that I am not the land. I am the pollution. I am the piles of stinking refuse. I am a disease on the face of the earth.

Though I think of death, this is not a suicide note, not a cry for help. This is just me trying to get this out. I don't really want to die. What I want is to have a happy, fulfilling life, but I don't see it happening. There is only pain, fear, failure. I can't go, either. I can't get away because people would be hurt. Family would be hurt, no matter how little we actually have to do with each other's lives. There would be sorrow & guilt, & it would all be my fault. I hate it. I hate being this way, feeling this way, thinking this way, but I don't know how to stop. Why can't I make it stop?! Please? Nothing helps & I just want it to end. I spend every day just waiting for my life to end, to be over, so I don't have to feel it anymore. I've given up on winning. I'm just trying to make it to the end of the game.