How do you say Goodbye?

Originally written 26 June, 2008. It was one of those days, one of the worst, & I was seriously thinking about it. So, I wondered... if I did, what would I say to those I left behind? This is what I wrote.

How can I do this to you? Maybe, just maybe, it isn't about you. Maybe I'm sick of dealing with the pain and emptiness just so that I don't cause a ripple in everyone else's lives. I hate myself. I hate every last thing about me. I despise the worthless, whiny, slacker, talent-less, lazy, pathetic, quitter, empty husk of a human being that I am. And I am tired of dragging my useless waste of a carcass through every miserable endless day. I am tired of spending my waking hours waiting for the end to come, tired of being disappointed each morning when I wake up. I'm tired of people telling me it's my own fault that my life isn't better. Life isn't good. It sucks. It is just despair and hopelessness. It has nothing good to offer, and I'm tired of waiting for the end to come on its own. I tried to hold out. I've spent endless hours trying to think what's the least painful situation for everyone else. I don't care anymore. Yes, it's selfish, but I don't have room anymore for anything but the pain, and the desire to have it end. I'm not hoping for better. I'm just wanting it to stop. I'm sorry, but this really isn't a loss for you. Reflect honestly and you'll realize that I contributed nothing to this world or to your lives. You're just used to me being there. You'll get over it, quicker than you think. Perhaps you'll actually breathe a little easier now that I'm gone and you don't have to worry about looking out for me anymore. I was just a burden in my life. Now you can let me go.

*Note, posted 8 Nov, 2009: No, I didn't try, and no, I'm not planning to try. But that doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind once in a while, or that I don't wish sometimes that I could take the easy way out. It's much harder to face each day, each challenge, than some may realize. If you've never had to deal with chronic severe depression, you'll never know how hard it is for someone in that situation just to walk out their door some days. Sometimes, just indulging the fantasy for a while can be cathartic.